Being a full-time missionary is not an easy job. As per our ministry's case, we have to deal with different work from both office and field. In the office we've already been counselors and prayer warriors in the morning, assistant auditors, and secretaries at noon, production assistants and radio announcers at night. In the field we are asked to preach the word of God in different churches, to handle and be responsible for the spiritual growth of the youth, and to visit the sick and pray for the families in every home. During Saturdays we become collectors of people's prayers and offerings. We've even became ecologists and stewards of God's creation for a day. We are one big stressed group, and the only pleasure and "me-time" we have is eating in our favorite fast foods. Though we have a lot to do, I can see that each one of us are enjoying the life God has chosen us to have. Well, is this the life that God wants us to have?
Though I am a missionary, I am still capable of thinking about my calling. Is this where am I called? Is this where God wants me to be?
A while ago, I was talking with two of my dear colleagues. One of them said she's in the "searching for more stage", while the other one said she's been contented in her present vocation as a missionary. While we were talking, I was with the one who is searching. But in my case, I told them I was at the "brink of giving up". I don't know what I feel, but what's for sure is, it's because of our financial instability. Being a missionary does not mean obtaining golds, it means giving up the gold. Wednesday night, I was really crying hard because my father had to be taken to a hospital because of eye irritation. I don't know what happened yet that night, but I was really scared knowing that he's been suffering from an asthma attack the morning of that same day. What I'm crying about is the money. I am really getting worried how can I help my parents pay if ever something happens. I was so worried that I even came to a point of blaming myself for choosing to be a missionary. Thank God, because my father's eyes are ok now, and he's been in his normal condition after that incident.
I always prayed to God that I will not complain about the sacrifices of being a missionary especially with money as long as any form of danger and sickness will not come into my family. So I was really upset when that happened. But God has a lot of ways of slapping me with the fact that He can do more of what I could ask of Him. I am really ashamed now as I was writing this, knowing that I am a missionary by vocation, and yet a small happening and I freak out, my faith becomes small. I don't know if my doubt is forgivable, but still I ask God for forgiveness.
Now, I still don't have money. I still wasn't able to help out my parents totally. But I'm happy, because my family is ok, and God is protecting all of them. And about my decision to give up? Well, just before I go home this evening, I ate with a colleague in a fast food. She is the contented one. She's telling me the story of her family, how financially challenged they are. I never told her about what happened to my father, but it seems she's brought to me for a reason. This girl I'm talking about, is the I told myself that unless she quits, I'll never will. Compared to us, she'd been in a more stressful family life, but then she never lost her faith like her mom. She only told me that whenever she thinks of comparing a missionary life to a fully working life, she's more assured and comfortable with what we are now. And, she shared to me that in her talk this week, she said that sacrifices when following Christ, just like what the apostles did, is always worth it. That we will never regret sacrificing for God's sake. Yes, I agree with her.
Now, for my previous questions, is this where I am called? Is this where God wants me to be? The answer is simple. When I was still in high school, I keep praying to God that He put me where He wants me to be. When I am in college, I also had the same prayer, and my motto became "I want to be what God wants me to be." After I graduated, I applied and had a job, but still I didn't have the heart to say no when we are called to become a missionary. So the answer? YES.
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Lord, I want to say sorry for having little faith on You. Please bless me Lord, and help me make my faith grow. Show me and my family's life, that choosing You is never a bad idea. God, I love you so much, Thanks for everything. Amen.
